- One cover note meant to apologize for any inconvenience, but instead they said "Sorry for any incontinence." Oh, yes, I bet you are.
- Another said "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." Well, OK, if you insist.
It's Not Hard to Read Between the Lines
- The person who boasted "I am loyal to my employer at all costs," and then closed their note with "Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail" must not understand the meaning of loyalty.
- "Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." I recognize that there could be totally legitimate reasons for so many jobs, like ongoing consulting work, but this sentence just screams "I got fired! Over and over!" doesn't it?
- "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." Do you now? Well, if you'd like a salary commensurate with your ability to choose the right word, you won't be making much, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who would commiserate with you about that.
- "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet programs." Oh my. Some of my favorite people are terrible spellers but you can't market your computer skills if you can't spell computer. I don't even know what to say about lurnt.
- "Criminal record: I have no felonies." Ah, good, then that just leaves the misdemeanors then, right?
Somehow Your Education Doesn't Impress Me
- "I am most proudest of my 3.93 GPA and organize skills." I'd love to see what school that degree came from.
- "Completed 11 years of high school." Which makes you the oldest high school student on the planet.
- "Graduated from Havrad University with a Masters Degree." One thing I know about Ivy League people is that they know how to spell the name of their school. And their degree.
- "Graduated in the top 70% of my class." This is the kind of information where your mom's rule applies: If you can't say anything nice (or impressive in this case), then don't say anything at all.
Are you sure that's something to be proud of?
- Then there was the executive who"Led the Day-to-Day Execution of 450 People and all Their Associated Work." I would think we would have read about this in the news.
- Sometimes a single letter can change the whole meaning of a sentence. "Instrumental for ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." If that were true, I don't think you'd be bragging about it.
- Another in the same vein was "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." Actually, there are probably a few financial wheeler-dealer criminal types who might be able to say that, but I'm pretty sure they'd never admit it.
- "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." OK, I've gotten some great sales awards in my career, but the plague? No thanks.
- "Very experienced with out-house computers." I am still not certain what this person meant but I am pretty sure that anyone who has an outhouse probably doesn't care much about putting a computer in it.
- "Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget." Here's a hint: employers like if you come in under budget.
Now for some funny signs : )
Hugs & Nightmares,