- Jack, age 7
Of course! They're all different! Every reindeer has his own special personality and you can really taste the difference in the steaks.
Dear Santa, how can you build so many toys so quickly?
- Sue Ellen, age 7
Ho Ho Ho! Because of my famous hard-working little helpers... the Chinese.
Mr. S. Claus, This letter will serve as a notice. You're being audited.
-Mikey at the IRS, age 42
Ho Ho Ho! This igloo in the North Pole not only shelters me from the cold, but from U.S. Tax Laws!
-Robby, age 5
As mandated by the courts, Santa only delivers toys to children he's fathered. It only seems like the whole world! P.S. If I'm not mistaken, your mother is a waitress named Sheila in Muncie, Indiana. Well, I'll certainly be at your house!
Victoria’s Secret is having its Once-a-Year Sale on Wonder Bras!
Ho Ho Ho! Santa is keeping this catalogue of lingerie-wearing babes hidden from my old lady, Mrs. Claus! Because the only thing worse than Mrs. Claus discovering that I m@sturbate to this catalogue would be her ordering and WEARING something from this catalogue. Ugh!
Either I am real or you're a schizophrenic who writes imaginary letters to herself. Either way, go make yourself useful and fetch Santa a cold beer will ya?
-George, age 9
Ho Ho Ho! For your Christmas gift this year, I am going to find your father. Because why else would you be asking Santa these questions? Either you have no father or you do not have access to Wikipedia. On second thought, yeah, I’ll just get you a laptop.
Dear Santa, Can you explain the birds and the bees?
Sure! But late night cable television programming does a much better job! Enjoy!
Dear Santa, All my life I’ve always wanted a puppy. Will you please send me one?
- Joey, age 39
Ho Ho Ho! Joey, you are the only 39 year old who still lives at home and writes me letters. I am sending you the Help Wanted section of the newspaper for Christmas. Get a job, you bum! Merry Christmas!
Dear Santa,
You have been pre-approved for a Platinum Plus Credit Card from Chase Bank and Visa! And for a limited time only your credit transfers will carry a 0.0%* interest rate!
* Interest rate is variable and increases to a daily compounding rate of 39.99%. Over the limit fees are $49. At any time, we may contact your bank, and switch all your money for SkyMiles on a soon-to-be out-of-business Airline of our choice.
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!!! And don’t forget to go screw yourself!
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my friggin’ mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars
worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to
play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my
cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the
song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
Timmy
Dear Timmy
Timmy, That whiney ass begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap
don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky Mark
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped
at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex
you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
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