Thursday, July 19, 2012

Drunk Santa Answers Your Letters

One of the most popular posts I did during last December was a blog where a drunk Santa answered his Christmas mail. Here’s a repost for you to enjoy again or maybe for the first time!

Santa, do all the reindeer really have their own names?
- Jack, age 7

Of course! They're all different! Every reindeer has his own special personality and you can really taste the difference in the steaks.

Dear Santa, how can you build so many toys so quickly?
- Sue Ellen, age 7

Ho Ho Ho! Because of my famous hard-working little helpers... the Chinese.

Mr. S. Claus, This letter will serve as a notice. You're being audited.
-Mikey at the IRS, age 42

Ho Ho Ho! This igloo in the North Pole not only shelters me from the cold, but from U.S. Tax Laws!

 Santa, do you really deliver toys to every child in the world in a single magical night?
-Robby, age 5

As mandated by the courts, Santa only delivers toys to children he's fathered. It only seems like the whole world! P.S. If I'm not mistaken, your mother is a waitress named Sheila in Muncie, Indiana. Well, I'll certainly be at your house!

 Dear Santa Claus or Current Resident:

Victoria’s Secret is having its Once-a-Year Sale on Wonder Bras!

Ho Ho Ho! Santa is keeping this catalogue of lingerie-wearing babes hidden from my old lady, Mrs. Claus! Because the only thing worse than Mrs. Claus discovering that I m@sturbate to this catalogue would be her ordering and WEARING something from this catalogue. Ugh!

 Dear Santa Claus, One of the older girls at school says you're not real. Are you?
- Feliza, age 6

Either I am real or you're a schizophrenic who writes imaginary letters to herself. Either way, go make yourself useful and fetch Santa a cold beer will ya?

 Dear Santa, why is the sky blue and what happens to us when we die?
-George, age 9

Ho Ho Ho! For your Christmas gift this year, I am going to find your father. Because why else would you be asking Santa these questions? Either you have no father or you do not have access to Wikipedia. On second thought, yeah, I’ll just get you a laptop.

Dear Santa, Can you explain the birds and the bees?
- Tommy, age 10

Sure! But late night cable television programming does a much better job! Enjoy!

Dear Santa, All my life I’ve always wanted a puppy. Will you please send me one?
- Joey, age 39

Ho Ho Ho! Joey, you are the only 39 year old who still lives at home and writes me letters. I am sending you the Help Wanted section of the newspaper for Christmas. Get a job, you bum! Merry Christmas!

Dear Santa,

You have been pre-approved for a Platinum Plus Credit Card from Chase Bank and Visa! And for a limited time only your credit transfers will carry a 0.0%* interest rate!

* Interest rate is variable and increases to a daily compounding rate of 39.99%. Over the limit fees are $49. At any time, we may contact your bank, and switch all your money for SkyMiles on a soon-to-be out-of-business Airline of our choice.

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!!! And don’t forget to go screw yourself!

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.

How 'bout I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.

Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.

You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.


Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,

I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.

Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter?

He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!

Let me get you some nice Legos instead.


Dear Santa,

I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me.

Please see what you can do.

 Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,

It blows my friggin’ mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars

worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to

play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face.

You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend

most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my

cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the


Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.


Dear Timmy

Timmy, That whiney ass begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap

don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky Mark

Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped

at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex

you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,

through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!


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